004-- action

[ospreyed]

[Guess who's back, back again? Epiny's back, tell a friend.

Or don't, but come December 30th, you can spot Eponine making her way back to Cabin 11, wrapped in a new sweater, a gift from Enjolras. She's pale, her makeup completely gone, and walks as though, for the first time in her life, she's unsure of where she's stepping. She's wearing Dave's sunglasses again, of course, to hide the deep circles under her eyes, and, more startling than anything, is just now thin she looks.

Because for the past month or so, Eponine has, in case you missed it, living in the Big House, going through all sorts of withdrawal.

So you know how your liquor became milk, pot became easter grass, and cigarettes were replaced with candy cigarettes? That's her fault.

But you'll find her back, and even more withdrawn than usual. If you were one of the lovely people to come visit her, well... Thank you.]

Comments

[ospreyed]

Like... [Oh. Oh, no, Charlie, no. She can feel her heart sinking into her stomach as he speaks, the heartbreak evident in his voice.]

Charlie... Charlie, I'm... [she hangs her head.] I'm sorry.

[It's a first, that she'd say that. Though if he recognizes the importance of that statement coming from her is beyond her.]

I needed an escape. My friends offered... My parents kept pouring. I wanted the pain to stop.

[Suddenly, the image of Luke came to her mind, when he'd sat across from her at the diner one cold winter night. He'd already been ousted as a traitor, tried to kill Percy. But he'd bought her dinner, plenty of it, and sat and spoke with her. Was this how he'd felt?

How Jake felt, when she'd hurled insults at him through the door at the Red Room?]

I have so many excuses, Charlie. But they're not good enough, are they?

[moointhedark]

[There are a lot of things in the world Charlie doesn't understand and this is one of them, he knows that. He wants to, wants to get what would drive a person to that point and knows that Eponine has had a hard life, but he still doesn't get it.

He just can't fathom it.

He shakes his head. The excuses aren't good enough.

Eponine is a good, strong person. Good, strong people should above that kind of thing, shouldn't they?]

But why..? Why didn't you say no?

[ospreyed]

[Why couldn't she just say no? She chuckles darkly, shaking her head again. She can't look at him. Not right now. She can't face that heartbroken boy's dark brown eyes.

That hurt worse than any of the withdrawal so far.]

Because- because I can't. I couldn't. I didn't want to.

[moointhedark]

[He looks away. He can't look at her, can't. It hurts and it shows on his face.]

But you're Ep... It's bad and it's wrong and you shouldn't have ever...

[ospreyed]

[He's right. He's so right, and she knows it. But she had, she did, and she'd do it again in a heartbeat.]

I never said I was any good.

[moointhedark]

[Silence again.

Very slowly, Charlie drags himself up and over to Ep.

Then? He puts his arms around her in a tight hug.]

Then try to be good now.

[ospreyed]

[She's lost him. Any second now, she's going to hear the door slam and he'll be gone. He won't look at her from his table in the dining pavilion, or wave to her, or tag along at her heels.

But the door doesn't shut. Instead, she feels the added weight on her bed, and his arms around her. She doesn't open her eyes, though. To do that would let the damn tears fall.] I'm never going to be good. That's not who I am.

[moointhedark]

[He buries his face in her shirt. He's crying, little hiccups escape his throat, but he's unashamed by it.

He just hugs her tighter.]

But you can. You're pretty and smart and good to me, and if you're good to me, you can be good to you too.

[ospreyed]

I'm not any of those things. I never have been.

But they made me feel that way, Charlie. They made me feel so free and bright, and nothing hurt. I could float away from everything that hurt. I won't ever feel that again.

[She wraps her arms around him this time now, holding him tightly. Let him cry. Let him try to convince her she was everything he thought she was and more. It wasn't going to work. But it was worth a shot.]

I'm bad to me. And I like it that way.

[moointhedark]

[That's what he doesn't understand.] Why? Why would you want to be sick like that?

[ospreyed]

I didn't want to go through withdrawal. I didn't volunteer for it. [There's a hard note in her voice now.]

I never wanted to get better.

[moointhedark]

[That silence again. Charlie doesn't know how to feel, but there's something welling up in his chest that he doesn't like. He's... angry.

He untangles himself, scoots away, and stares.]

But you should want to get better. Why would you want to be like that? Why would you want to be bad?

[ospreyed]

I don't! You don't get it, Charlie! You have no idea! [She wants to stand and yell, but she bites it back, for once in her life, because she does not want to lose him.]

I don't want to be anymore.

And I haven't for a long time.

[moointhedark]

Then why did you say you like that way?! Why do you want to bad to you?!

[He's on his feet now, not quite shouting, but definitely talking louder than he had been.]

I don't understand! I don't understand why!

[ospreyed]

[if there's anything else in the room, she is completely unaware of it. It's just her and Charlie, and even he's hard to see sometimes. Before she realizes it, she's on her feet just the same, hardly recognizing the words out of her mouth as her own.]

Because I hate myself! Because I want to die, Charlie! I want to kill myself! THAT'S what you don't understand!

[moointhedark]

[Just like that, Charlie deflates as if he's a balloon and her words are sharp enough to pop.

Eponine wants to kill herself. He feels numb and his mind races at thinking about a world without one of his favourite people.

The only thing he can manage is a soft, mumbled:] But I don't want you to die...

[ospreyed]

I don't care what you want. [The words are out before she can even consider them, and she knows she's just hurt him. Hurt him deep. She reaches out behind her, grabbing on to the upper-bunk for support.]

All my life everything has been for everyone else, Charlie. Drugs? Alcohol? They were for me.

[moointhedark]

[That hurts too. He wants to run away and hide under the bed, takes a step backwards toward the door. But no, he can't leave her. Not yet.]

Then can I help you?

[ospreyed]

How? [With one hand, she wearily wipes at her tears.] I'm past help.

[Somewhere inside of her, a laugh bubbles out.] You picked a real bad role model in me, kid.

[moointhedark]

I-I dunno know... I'll figure something out, though! Promise! You don't have to be alone or anything 'cause I'll always be your friend...

[ospreyed]

Charlie? Can I... Can I hug you? Would that be okay? [He won't figure anything out. She has no hope of that. But she wants the comfort, and to hold him.]

I just hope you can keep that promise.

[moointhedark]

'Course! [He nods eagerly -- anything that brings her happiness at this point. He holds his arms up to her, ready to wrap Eponine in another hug.]

And I mean it, I really do! I'll try my hardest.

[ospreyed]

[She wraps her arms around him. She's lost weight since she went through withdrawal, and wishes he won't notice. But he's already seen so much. How he can still be her friend is amazing.

Eponine drops her head to rest on top of his.] I know. I believe it. Thank you, Charlie. You're amazing. And one of the most genuine people I know.